Naptime = Me-time doesn’t it?
Naptime = Me-time doesn’t it?
Elizabeth had 3.5oz of bottle, we had stared into each other’s faces and made cooing sounds, and she had been in the bouncy seat listening to good music while I folded clothes. I realized she was getting a little sleepy and thought to myself, “I’ll swaddle her up, put in her paci, and put her down for a nap. Then I’ll have about 30 min to do what I want.” I swaddle, and paci, but something goes awry and Elizabeth doesn’t sweetly close her eyes and nap. Instead, she arches her back and starts wailing. Loudly. Did I mention her older sister, Jane was asleep in the next room?
Me: Help me. Help me. Helpmehelpmehelpme. God, I’m getting furious at this baby.
God:
Me: Help me to know what she needs. Forgive me for being angry. Am I sinning here?
God:
Me: OK, Lord. Give me compassion. (big breath) When she arches her back and gets red-faced, it usually means she’s hungry. But she’s already eaten, and I don’t want to start that bad habit of bottle feeding right before naptime. Bottle = sleep is bad news, right?
God: If she’s hungry, feed her.
Me: But what if she’s not hungry? What if she’s just using the bottle for comfort?
God: So?
Me: So, then she’ll think she always needs a bottle for comfort.
God: Really. You think so?
Me: OK, I’ll just see if she wants some milk
I give her 1 oz.
Me: That oughta do it. OK, kid, here’s your paci, now go to sleep.
I put her in the crib. 1.6 seconds later and WAAAAH!
More back arching.
Me: Lord Jesus. Lord Jesus. Lord Jesus.
I pick her back up, go make a bottle for 2 oz more. I give her an ounce. This time she’s very sleepy-eyed. But ticked off. Completely unwilling to give it up for sleep.
Me: God, please help me here. She’s going to wake Jane up, and Jane NEEDS to sleep longer.
God: Really? She’s already slept 2 hours.
Me: OK, fine. I WANT her to sleep longer. Happy now?
God: Well, just because she’s not asleep anymore (I hear Jane talking in her room) doesn’t mean you have to get her out of her crib right away.
Me: Oh yeah. Right.
Elizabeth starts wailing again.
Me: Lord, I cannot do this. I cannot handle both of them crying at the same time.
God: Yes you can.
Me: OK, I can, but I need to finish the laundry and make some calls.
God: No you don’t.
Me: Yes, I… OK, well, you’re right. I don’t.
Elizabeth still crying.
Me: I really can’t handle this crap.
God: Yes, you can.
Me: But I DON’T WANT TO!
Woah. Did I just think that?
God: yep.
Me: I don’t mean that.
God: Yes you do.
Me: Oh my gosh, I do mean it. I am the most selfish person on the planet. I am a bad mother.
God: No, you’re not. You’re just like everyone else. But I love you.
Me: Lord, please let Jane go back to sleep so I can write this all down.
Elizabeth has meanwhile gone to sleep. No noise from Jane’s room.
Me: Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord. Now for that time alone I wanted….
WAAAAH! Elizabeth is now awake 3 minutes after I put her down.
Me: S—!
God: Nice.
Me: Sorry, Lord. I was just thinking you wanted me to write all this down.
God: I do.
Me: But she won’t go back to sleep.
God: Try picking her up.
Me: OK.
I pick her up and she immediately drifts back off to sleep.
Me: So now that she’s comforted and back asleep in my arms I’ll just put her back down…
WAAAAAH!
Me: CRAP!
God: That’s not any better.
Me: I know. It looks like she just wants to be held. Dadgummit! (LONG pause)
Me: Wait a minute. This is actually so sweet. She loves to be held. I’ll just hold her for a little bit and write until Jane gets up. How bad can it be holding a sleeping baby while writing?
God: That’s my girl.
Me: But what will I do when Jane wakes up?
God:
I finish writing, just as I hear Jane’s wail from her room. Elizabeth successfully makes the transfer from my arms to her crib. I go to Jane, who presses her tear-streaked face to mine in a big hug as she says, relieved, “Maaaa meee.”
Filed under: General, Catbird, Conversations with God, SAHM on January 17th, 2006
So glad you included this one. I don’t feel so alone when I read this.
Cat Bird,
Since I’m working on a little publishing gig of my own, I read your blog and loved it!
Also Likeafire was readable and intriguing. Most of all, since I know and love you, I appreciate your raw honesty in the naptime piece. That’s exactly where God can work in our hearts, when we lay it out there!
give ‘em a hug and kiss from Aunt Pat
Thanks to you both for your comments…
For you Orlando folks reading this, “Aunt Pat” is my good friend, Pat Scheffler, from Butler. She can also be found in a photo prominently placed on my frig.
I was worried that this one might be a bit TOO raw, but it is my life, and I’m committed to sharing it. Warts and all.
I was reading the hair thing and then just started reading this…wow, I wish I had read this in the days where I was in your place with your girls ages. I did feel alone in my thoughts and actions and just figured It was a mistake that God gave me my wonderful girls. I knew no other mom would have had these thoughts. Thanks!