Perfect Timing
The other night Paul and I had a heated “discussion” that began at just before midnight and ended close to 2 a.m. By the time we found some resolution for the issue at hand, we were both exhausted.
Mid-way into the argument, at a point of silence, I looked over at Paul and said, “Are you mad that I brought this up?”
His response was something like, “No, but your timing stinks.”
Ahhhh. The old “timing” issue.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Perfect timing!”?
I have. I’ve even used it, but generally it’s more in the sarcastic sense like, “Great. I just put dinner in the oven, and the oven stops working! Of course our 10 dinner guests will be arriving in 30 minutes… Perfect timing. Why couldn’t it have waited a couple of hours to break?”
I often find myself irritated at Jane’s timing.
“Mom, play puzzles with me!”
“Not now, babe, I’m folding clothes.”
or
“I want to PAINT! Please can I paint, Mommy?”
“In a minute, sweetie. Mommy’s cleaning the kitchen.”
or
“Let’s watch the Monsters video!”
“We’re getting ready to go to the store, Jane. We can’t watch Monsters right now.”
Poor timing.
I chalk a lot of my frustrations as a mother up to that very thing.
But it’s really not an issue of timing.
It’s an issue of selfishness and control.
I could easily stop folding clothes, leaving them half-folded on the couch, and sit down with Jane and work puzzles. I just don’t want to. I want to finish the clothes FIRST, and then when I’m done, sit down and work puzzles.
I could leave the kitchen messy and get out the paints. I might even realize that painting makes a kitchen messy, and decide to just clean the whole thing up after we’ve had a great time making art. I could give up my agenda, of which kitchen-cleaning is a major part. But I don’t want to.
I DO want to work puzzles. I DO want to paint with Jane. I really even want to watch Monsters, Inc. But only if it’s in MY timing.
See? I want MY way, not Jane’s.
Selfishness and control.
Now that is not to say that there is no validity in my response to her requests sometimes. When she asks to paint—3 seconds before she needs to go down for a nap—it really isn’t the right time.
Truthfully, though, those times are rare. More often than not, it’s a perfectly okay time to do something. It’s just not my timing, and therefore, to me, it’s poor timing on her part. Or on Paul’s part. Or on a friend’s part.
I can think of a thousand ways that I’ve heard “timing” used as an excuse to do (or not do) something. Like when Julie and I had bad news from school (a rarity) and had to tell Dad. Mom would always say to us before Dad got home, “Just wait until after dinner. Give him a chance to read the paper, eat and relax before we talk to him about this.”
I don’t blame her for trying to keep the peace in our home (I do the same), or him for not wanting to hear bad news immediately when he walks in the door (who does?!). But the reality was that Mom controlled us, and buffered the relationship between Dad and Julie and me, so that he would have HIS way.
Needless to say, when Mom died, Dad didn’t get his way as much with his adult daughters. And, not surprisingly, a lot of things got blamed on “bad timing.” Like my engagement. And our wedding. Paul’s graduate school. Our moving away.
Now that I am a parent, I am beginning to understand. Yet I still think that he used (and I obviously use, too) “timing” as a smoke-screen to hide his selfishness and desire to have my life in his control.
Interesting that I need to learn the lesson that I am quick to accuse my father of not learning:
GOD is in control.
And His timing is always perfect.
Filed under: General, Catbird, Like a fire, Random Thoughts, SAHM on August 21st, 2006
Hmmm…I’m trying to decide whether or not I agree with you on this one (the first part, not the last sentences about God being in control and having perfect timing–that I’ll agree on).
As a mom, there are times to drop everything and play with your child (and I do need to do it more often). However, you have to balance that with making them wait sometimes too. Nick will often become impatient and want someone to play ball RIGHT NOW; but right now isn’t always the best time. If we always give in to our kids requests/demands, then we’ve let them become selfish and controlling.
Just my two cents for the day…
I agree, Bonnie. And Lord knows that it’s VERY easy to “cave” to their requests, which does make them selfish and manipulative.
My tendency, though, is to work through my “to-do” list/agenda FIRST, and THEN play with Jane. So I have to counterbalance that tendency by owning up to my own selfishness.
Glad you put in your two cents. They were worth far more than 2 cents.(grin.)
I hesitate as well. [because I do the same thing?]:-)
Yes, and because we do not share the same priorities as children…and that’s okay. We are not children…we are growing adults who are still needing to learn and grow and do OUR WORK, too.
We have different “jobs”. We “play” differently. That’s okay. I sometimes let go of my preference and they sometimes let go of theirs. I sometimes let go of my schedule, and sometimes, they do. THIS is family. Give and Take.
It revolves around no one person all the time, but hopefully, at some point, everyone’s needs get met. Maybe not THAT DAY, but in a period of time.
I hear older moms say that one day you will regret every second you did not drop every thing and soak them up…but, I realize that those moms are no longer in our season –I really think they forget the demands and the balance required to simply survive the insanity of it all. I mean…the joy.
Painting and movies and other things are “special treats” for when we are refreshed and it works into the schedule. I do not drop everything to do them, but once I hear of a desire, it plants a seed, and I try to work it into their/our next “special time”.
I am not McDonalds, meeting needs in two minutes or less….but I can function like a mail order catalogue. (It will get there…just as soon as FedEx can arrange it! Anticipate it, but don’t pressure me. Working on it. It will happen. Have faith. But don’t pester or it’s off. I can only do so much.)
If I dropped everything
1. those times would no longer be special, but expected.
2. dates are for special requests (I can’t “treat” three different aged kids to that degree every day…not enough time or energy in the day)
3. I let Dad handle some of the “special time”…he has time to make up for, and he has the grace for it and enjoys it more.
We all have to take care of ourselves with the resources we have available at times…part of growing ourselves and bringing our kids to maturity.
4. bargain tools…”help me do the white clothes faster and get them put away, and then we’ll have extra time so that I can clean the table and you can paint? Deal?”
Timing…yes. Also, a need sometimes for us to be less self focused and learn servanthood. I’ve yet to become as strong on that end. Be patient with yourself.
Sometimes, I grant them a special request to give special blessing for responsibility.
I am convicted about this, too. Yet, I’ve learned that I’ve not completely grown up either. I need my “play” and “refreshment” as much as they need theirs to stay healthy. A balance of costly servanthood and autonomy in there, I guess.
I could be said to be ‘controlling’ or ‘buffering’ the relationship between my kids and Hubby on Sundays (after running 3 services and totally overloaded on people), but the reason I do it, is that I can sense his mood right off the bat when he walks in. In my adult wisdom I know that with some questions or ideas the kids have for him, in his tired state, Hubby would shoot it down in flames immediately. So when he’s gone to the loo, had something to eat, then they can tell him their stuff, one at a time.
And in my mind I am helping?
there is definitely a tension…especially for those of us who live with a mental agenda in our head about what needs to get done in a day. Anything interfering with that agenda feels like an interuption. And kids will constantly be asking something of us. I put my kids off way too much cause honestly I would often rather be doing what I’m doing than stopping and honoring their request. So I am being selfish-and agenda driven. The reality is that often I need to change my agenda and focus on what REALLY matters.
But if we cater to their every request we are letting them be selfish. I’m sure there is a perfect balance somewhere.
One thing I tried to teach my kids to do before asking me to drop everything was to have them at least pay attention enough to acknowledge what I am doing. For example, Mom, after you finish folding the clothes will you do _______ with me.
That works on two things….makes them notice what else is going on in their world, and then makes them wait……..
Am I making any sense?
Ruthie
Thanks Maggie, for acknowledging what I often think: “Older moms forget (just as I’ve already forgotten labor pains, midnight feedings, etc.) what it is to manage a household with very small children.” Their words are wise and convicting, no doubt, but from a perspective that would likely not have changed had their kids stayed in diapers.(grin.)
Yes, Bigmama! You are helping! My statements about “controlling” and “buffering” are probably too harsh, and not 100% accurate, particularly since they are my perspective and not God’s! And yes, many times it was wisdom that drove my mother’s actions, and not the dreaded “control” issue. I think, though, that I see myself in my mother (or vice versa), and have a sense that sometimes it was hard for her to let US work it out and learn for ourselves those hard lessons about Dad’s response prior to the news, food, and a comfy chair. And, of course, the great irony that I find myself doing the same with our girls!
And YES, Ruthie, you are making sense.
Thanks to all of you friends for your comments. It really comes down to a matter of BALANCE, doesn’t it?!
I could so relate to your post…I do the same thing - all the time. I feel guilty about it, but when it comes down to it, it IS an issue of my wanting control and only wanting to do my son’s stuff in “my time” - when I want to. You have given me something to think about..as usual
Starting a ‘deep talk’ after 10PM seems to doom us to long nights of heated debate 98% of the time. No lie. They are a bad thing.
Pam and I were just talking about the same thing… Our kids grow up SOO fast… whats so important about my little household chores that I’m telling the kids I can’t play?
When they move out of the house I’ll wish I had taken more time to play with them. Im SURE I wont look back and wish I had done more chores.
Don’t you love midnight “discussions?” I know I do…
Hey Friend,
I just have to give props to your midnight talk. It always seems that our “real” talks (discussions, arguments - not fights… we never do that!) happen when its late and we’re bushed. But, somehow we always end up talking it through and are always thankful for it. So, the next time we see each other and one of us has puffy eyes, we’ll know why.
miss you-
Wow, as I read this and all the comments my little girl is wanting to play on the computer with me. As I keep telling her to be quiet so I can read these comments it was most awkward. I have to say I feel guilty about this so often. and Ruthie is right to say it is like they are an intrusion or interuption to what were doing. I know there is balance but for me I have not balanced that very good. As for late night talks…Amanda, we just discuss also , never fight but for some reason you can not just go to sleep and save it for tomorrow. I guess thats a good thing, until the alarm goes off.
This one made me think. After reading it, I was inspired to allow my son to color when he asked just before we left on an errand (I had started to say no because it would be a pain for me to get him set up). I still had to do a few things to get ready and why not let him have some fun (and not slow me down) in the meantime. It helps to step back and realize how precious our time is with our children and how saying no is often out of our own selfishness (yet as you said, it can be necessary, too). Thanks for the good reminder.