Overexposure
I want to be known. I really do.
Not just known, though.
Understood. And loved.
I think I just want people to “get” me. I’d love to have them love me as well, but I’d settle for “knowing” or “understanding” most any day of the week.
In fact, that desire might be the single biggest driver behind many of my most charming (and/or most annoying) quirks.
The long and detailed stories (and blogposts!). The inability to be silent in a group Bible study. The need to express myself through blogging and painting pottery (among other things). The highly physically-expressive and passionate diatribes I sometimes go off on. My rejection and outright defiance of being labeled or categorized. Yet, there’s also my love of practically every type of personality quiz, both legit and non-legit. My open self-examining and self-exposure on my blog.
All of them, I think, are in some way rooted in a desperate need to be known and understood.
Which feels all well and good, as long as I’m controlling the flow of information.
The past two weeks, I haven’t.
As you loyal Catbird Seat readers know, I’ve been quite sick lately. And more than a tad stressed. And not sleeping well. And we traveled, leaving our children and the Eastern time zone behind. And that’s just the surface stuff.
Let’s just say that through all these things I have been exposed, only not in my normal controlled fashion.
Examples?
Local friends have kindly (and lovingly, I might add) noticed that I have not had my normal patience level with the girls for a couple of months.
Another wonderful long-distance friend emailed to ask if I was “OK”, citing a stress level she felt in my writing throughout the summer.
Last week in my Wednesday morning Bible study, I was so emotionally and physically drained that I couldn’t even put up a good front. I know I looked like I’d just been run over by a truck. Some ladies stared. Seriously.
Tonight I discovered that a friend prayed for me after reading a rant (I know, terribly uncharacteristic of me to write a blog rant! Normally I just “stuff” those feelings!) that I wrote a while back and subsequently pulled because it was over the top.
Forget self-exposure. Try overexposure.
It’s like the emotional equivalent of finding out that your slip is showing, you’ve got toilet paper stuck to your shoe, green stuff in your front teeth, a major make-up mishap and a booger hanging out of your nose…all at once. And, of course, having no idea about any of it until someone points it out.
Very embarrassing. Very painful. Very revealing that something’s going on inside.
Hence, the counseling.
Rationally, I think this period of “overexposure” has been good for me. It’s forcing me to deal with places in my heart that I don’t normally tread. Dark, scary places…if only because I haven’t been in there in a good long while.
At the very least, it’s showing me that I have some old unhealthy patterns that need to be addressed. Like the “stuffing” of feelings, or the denial that they exist at all. Or the need for control (a big one for me)(obviously). Things of which I’ve chosen to be oblivious. And though embarrassing that they’ve been exposed, it’s necessary and good if I want to change.
It doesn’t feel good, though. It actually feels quite bad.
Except that through all this overexposure, my friends and my precious husband have been able to repeatedly demonstrate to me that I am loved and lovable despite all these things that I consider very unlovely about myself.
And that feels quite good. Especially when I allow myself to believe them.
Filed under: General, Catbird, Random Thoughts on September 30th, 2006
I love you, Cathy!!
One of the many, many things I love about you: your willingness to talk about the very problems/issues that the rest of us think “I’m the only one who has this problem.” I appreciate that so much b/c I know that you’re someone I can talk to about anything, and know that I won’t get the “I can’t believe she just said that” stare.
Just to let you know how much I love you: I found myself with a long weekend off, and the first thing I did was to check out flight prices. Unfortunately, my wallet and desires didn’t match up.
Maybe it’ll happen again one of these days…
Dear Cathy, I don’t know you personally but could relate just a little bit(certainly to the couseling jouney) as I had a really hard time last spring while I was on furlough in the US. It all felt so yucky and I’m still trying to figure it out as things only became even harder once I got back to the field. A friend of mine wrote a song and one of the verses said a lot of what was going on in my mind at the time:
Where do I begin from here
How do I know when I have arrived
Why do things that seemed so clear
Suddenly take me by surprise
What if answers never find
The questions in my mind
And how many times must I forget
Before I remember, we’re not home yet.
“We’re not home yet”. What a good reminder it was to me that I don’t have to have it all figured out and it’s an okay part of the journey to be going through a hard time. I’ll be praying for you as you come to mind. Trusting Him with all the “ickiness” in our lives.
Hi Cathy,
You don’t know me either…actually Brenda who left you a note just before me is a dear friend and former teammate from the mission field. She “put me on” to your blog. Anyway I found myself in much the same place just over a year ago on the missionfield. One of the most painful, exposing experiences of my life. I was completely emptied and burnt out and everyone could see it. Very humbling. God in His mercy is leading me on a journey of dealing with my issues, and healing. It has been hard and painful, but I wouldn’t trade the results God is bringing in my life for the world. I pray the same for you. Thanks for your openness and honesty. It gives me and others the strength to do the same and own their “junk” and bring it to the One who wants to lead us to wholeness. And hopefully it makes us more real to a world who has a lot of “junk” too…May the Lord’s absoulte grace and mercy shine through our lives in the midst of our sometimes painful process..
Thanks, girls. Your words of love, encouragement, and compassion are words of Life to me. Teri, thanks for your honesty as well. And for “de-lurking” to make this comment.
Friend, I appreciate you encouraging me to be more open and honest, and loving me through/despite it too.
just saw this blog posting. . .you are such a special lady! I know (really, I do) how hard “de-junking” your life can be, but it’s oh, so worth it! I just turned 49, and am looking 50 in the face; what I notice about this decade that is almost finished is the journey to contentment with who God has made me to be. He has used the vulnerability of my preteens; the hardness of my teens; the drivenness of my twenties; the imploding and exploding (emotionally) of my thirties; and the healing and rebuilding and renewing of my forties; to make a woman who is truly happy in God, and able to let go and let people “be” without the need to control all of my world (besides, I just don’t have the energy anymore).
Keep at it, and keep writing!
Love you,
I can relate. I think all women, me especially, have a desire to be truly known, understood, and especially loved. I’m glad you know yourself well enough to realize when you need counseling. We all need counseling at one time or another, whether we acknowledge it or not. You may know that I’ve been dealing with hard issues for awhile now, and it doesn’t seem they’ll be going away anytime soon.
What the world sees of me is the tip of the iceberg, and I’m going deeper and deeper underneath to deal with really hard issues. And it’s a big iceberg underneath. But I think it’s good to tackle these things straight on rather than push them aside until later, when they’ll only get worse. I can understand you being tired and drained. That’s what happens with counseling. I’ll be praying for you. And I say who cares what people think when you don’t look “put together”. That’s their issue, not yours.